I don’t know how I was able to keep my cool, and drive, but somehow I managed to have a serious and scary conversation with my OBGYn about some issues with our recent ultrasound.
The ultrasound was beautiful to me and Blake. Our itty-bitty baby was growing, and actually was starting to look like a human. We giggled, and looked at the little black and white blobs, listening to the tech as she pointed out what we were looking at. My baby is beautiful, and I couldn’t have been happier. I now understand that the ultrasound isn’t intended to make the parents happy, but instead to make sure that the baby is alright.
Without going into details, because to be honest, I will start crying again while I type – there is a possibility that something may be wrong with our baby. My doctor urged me not to lose sleep over the bad news, but her wish hasn’t come true. I’ve woken up each morning from a nightmare, and cry into Blake’s arms.
We are going in for more tests tomorrow, and will hopefully have answers – whatever they may be – soon. The hardest part is not knowing, and not being able to do anything about it. I feel like a bad mother already. I can’t put on a bandaid and kiss it better, serve he or she chicken soup, or take it’s temperature. I hate not knowing, but what I hate more is pretending that everything is alright. People will ask me about our baby, what we will name it, when we will start putting together our registry or nursery. What they don’t know is that I am fearful the nursery and items will not even be put to use. I get melancholy when I see parents with young children or babies at the market, and have to remind myself to stay strong and stay positive.
Blake reminds me that we have nothing to worry about yet, because so much is still unknown. I wonder if it’s different for partners who aren’t carrying a baby. Maybe they are able to keep a clearer head due to the lack of increased hormones. Or maybe it’s stronger and scarier for me because the baby is inside of me, and I am it’s protector.
Prayers and positive vibes are greatly welcome over the next couple of days. Trust me, every little bit will go a long way. But, in terms of me and my personal insecurities, fear not, I have my husband and that’s all I need to reassure me. We’re in this together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In the end, I hope tomorrow’s appointment goes smoothly, and we find out that our itty-bitty family has nothing to fear after all.
Until then, I’ll try to keep my spirits up, and stay positive – especially by looking at pictures like this one below – which always make me smile.